Author Archives: Tales From The Bleachers

10 Promises for This Baseball Season

1. I will add to this blog regularly! (AND I REALLLLY MEAN IT THIS TIME)

2. I will not be the loudest parent in the bleachers (lol, not out loud…really…)

3. I absolutely will not run around the house like a maniac looking for baseball pants, belt, socks or a hat. You’re on your own boys…. (really)

4. I will not cocktail at games (unless we are at a park that actually serves cocktails…) really? But if someone offers me a red solo cup I will not be rude…cause it would be.

5. I will wear sunblock – which, of course, we won’t need until August. I have a new nanuck-from-the-north parka JUST for spring ball!

6. I will not debate how “that kid” made the team and how/why he is batting ahead of my kid. Well, not if it’s borderline…if it’s painfully obvs that he has no business in that slot…maybe an eyeroll or a sharp elbow to whomever is bleachering next to me.

7. I will not criticize the shortness of the girls’ shorts who come to support the boys. But seriously…is that even comfortable?

8. I will not let my dog shove his head into the cooler that you so lovingly packed with your player’s nutritious snack for between the double-header. I can’t be held responsible for items in your lap, next to you on the bleachers, or an item that is in your hand on the way to your mouth. I just can’t.

9. I will only scream positive encouragement. (I’m cracking myself up right now…)

10. I will soak up every minute that I get to be at a ballpark, watching my son play baseball….R E A L L Y!

PLAY BALL!

 

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REALLY COACH?

What does this scenario remind you of: (note, this is high school…)

– Superstar running back not required to workout at practices. Has backup take routes/reps and he observes.

– Superstar running back not held to same standards for grades, or extra curricular activities such as boozing and bong hitting.

– Running Back #2 never misses a practice. Rarely (ever?) displays a negative attitude.

– RB2 actually delivers in game situations (umm, just last week actually…)

– RB2 approaches coach to express frustration at lack of play time.

– RB2 is shot down, told not V squad material “sent down” to JV.

– Coach claims RB2 is “not about team”

I’ll tell you what it sounds like, it sounds like:

a. Coach is confusing “team” for “me”

b. A tired old movie theme that includes the line “you tryin’ to ruin it for everyone son? Shut your mouth and get back to (fill in the blank) your post, work, the cotton, the field, the hole…”

c. A “test” for our young RB2?

What it doesn’t sound like:

a. A “teaching moment”

b. A program that is allegedly “outstanding”

I  know, football and karma don’t really go hand in hand…but you know – I’m a karma person, and a sports person, okay, and a pissed off mama/auntie bear (no, this isn’t my kid, note to followers…I’m trying reaaaal hard not to blog about my  own kids..but of course, will if it might entertain or bring a tear, but I digress.)

I kind of just thought that coaching at the High School level (this ain’t Texas after all y’all…) had evolved….what’s that you say? Stick to blogging about Youth Sports and quit crying like a big baby?  Fine, but mark my words – that ol’ karma can be a big, bad, bone crushing lineman…or worse…so we’ll be paying attention you big meat head coach…

Why I aughta….

Coaching Gems

Time to bring back: coaching gems.  Many of these are from days long past..the days when I knew I HAD to start a blog, but instead just kept notes, in a file, for the day I actually pulled the trigger.  That day has come…through “Coaching Gems” I’ll introduce you to some of the greats from our youth sports experience. Names have been changed (or slightly altered for amusement)  to protect the nutbags: Pete Humpden, Mr. JingALing, Matt Madderhorn, Rocko, Coach Chuckles – but also to not avoid the actual good guys (they’re out there, really!)  Coach A, Coach B, Coach L… Feel free to COMMENT and share your own gems – we’ll include whoppers contributed by the new and naive as well (thanks to my peeps out there who just signed their kids up for the inaugural year of bunch ball and t-ball!) Enjoy!

THE DAY MR. JING A LING THREW DOWN

Sport: boys baseball

Player Age: 12

Situation: The Rebels are in league playoffs, tensions are high.

Backgrounder and run up: Logically, there has been ego clashing in this dugout for months.  One coach fancies himself the Dr. Phil of coaching: observant Svengali of young boys’ struggles with the game.  Not sure what the other boys actually thought, but my son (in private of course) gave the big eye-roll anytime Mr. Jing A Ling approached.  However, most of the boys went along. No biggie right? Well, the head coach, Madderhorn, didn’t like the idea of being undermined or out-adored by another coach.  Today, of course, was  not the day to threaten Coach Mad’s ego…big game and all.  Anywho, Jing-A-Ling did pull a kid aside to you know, magically inspire him out of his slump. Sadly, this was ill-timed as everyone knows that you don’t want to pull a kid out of the grounder warm up rotation!

Resulting Gem: Coach Mad: “hey Jing-A-Ling, what the hell are you doing? We’ve got 10 minutes to game time?”  Coach Jing: “Can it Madderhorn, I’m fixing what you can’t fix.”  Coach Mad, slam practice bat to the ground, march authoritatively towards Jing…come VERY close to the chest bumb…” Really Jing-A-Ling?  What is that supposed to mean?”  And…wait for it…..Jing replies, no, screams….(love the build up…) “I COULD KICK, YOUR, ASS MADDERHORN AND BEEN JUST WAITIN TO DO IT!”   Whoooo whooooooooooo!  Parents and 12-year olds watch in awe as chests bump, nostrils flare, cheeks flush….What will happen?  is this funny or sad? Have they both finally lost it? Will someone throw a punch?

Of course not. We’re not THAT cray cray…not today. Ump intervenes. Coaches tossed. Game starts – another day at the ball park!

I am going to….

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It’s not THEM, it’s Y!

So, I read an interesting item the other day…It caught my attention because its title is “Why men don’t understand women.”  I see you nodding your head – of COURSE I’ll take time out of my day to read that…it screams: “A CHANCE TO CITE SCIENCE TO THE MEN IN OUR LIVES, FURTHER PROVING OUR SUPERIORITY!”   But it actually got me thinking about this information as it relates to kids’ sports – boys’ in particular: the participants/athletes, and well, their coaches.

Nature reports (no, I don’t read Nature, I gleaned this from the “cliffs notes” version provided by The Week magazine, great for cheaters like me – makes you feel totes smarty-pants, highly recommended!) anyway, Nature reports that the recently cracked genetic code of the female X chromosome shows that females are far more genetically  “variable” than scientists realized – and (wait for it….) far more complex than men. Women have all their genetic instructions on two Xs, while men, as you know, have one X and one Y. Y determines maleness, and not much else, so, they are basically products of that one, valuable X. Women, on the other hand, have two Xs that are brimming with active genes and info…yes, I know you’re already there…researcher Huntington Willard of Duke told the L.a. Times that every one of the women they looked at had a different genetic “story” and suggests that “in essence, there is not one human genome, but two: male, and female.”

If you are with me…yes, did you read that last part? It’s true: WE ARE LITERALLY DIFFERENT BEINGS THAN MEN. That might be a different blog, I know, it’s rich – it’s well, almost too tempting to not expand on that. But for the purposes of this blog, let’s focus on the other presumption…men operate with a basic set of data – arguably only half of the data that women have to draw on – however, clearly a good part of that wiring includes an acute ability to maintain, explore, and understand nuances of sports that often, women simply don’t have an inclination, or frankly, ability for.  I would submit (after reading, you know, two paragraphs about genetic code) that much of that complex data in our men is an intricate and complex – constantly active sporting database.  I further submit – it might compare, in the female brain, to our ability to write a memo, participate in a conference call at the same time, yell at the kids while balancing the checkbook, schedule the next 6 months doctor, chiropractic, and Orthodontist appointments during a trip to the post office and back.  There really is no direct comparison in terms of sports knowledge in the female mind (with due respect Erin Andrews and our own Susie Wargin.)  This may explain a lot:

1.  Why my boys know who threw for over 100 yards for the past three NFL seasons, but don’t know what time 5th period gets out.

2. Why men can spend a day golfing, or a weekend in Vegas drafting their fantasy football team, and not once, ever, have a conversation about life, jobs, their families (true conversation: “Bryan, Martha just had a baby…you spent the entire weekend with John 6 months ago and it didn’t come up that she was pregnant??) – and honestly admit that – it just didn’t come up.

3. Fathers of boys count the days until they can coach their kid. Men who are not fathers volunteer to coach. Fathers whose boys have left for college still coach sports.

4. Why, if you ask any/all of the men in your presence anything, anything at all –  during a sporting event – the answer is: “Huh?”*

* NOTE: this result might also be due to findings I read in summary article titled “Why Men Don’t Listen” (you guessed it, my smartie pants cheat sheet “The Week“) – citing a study “verifying that female voices are more complex than male voices, making men’s brains work harder when listening to them.”

‘Nuff said.  Happy Football Sunday!

Fun companion infographic: http://www.infographicsarchive.com/humor/understanding-how-the-male-brain-works-or-doesnt-work/#prettyPhoto/1/

Dear High School Football, I love you

Dear High School Varsity Football, I love you – today at least.

Okay, so, it was a blast – I’ll admit it – sitting at the varsity football game, wedged between the band and the student section. A perfect fall evening with the sun setting over the Colorado foothills…yes, I was secretly hoping for some deplorable antics from parents or a streaking student – maybe I can catch it on video for TFTB…I mean, you, my faithful groundfloor followers – you DESERVE that! But all I can say is I was practically giddy. There’s my kid – dressed for Varsity, the energy, the good/cute as well as the  REALLY bad choices in fan-wear (seriously mom, something in between the beefy Tee and the tight tank next time?…), the lack of booze, the cross-section of parents (so what if I had to move due to over cologned fan, oh he’s just divorced? shocker…) united in a common quest – I mean, what can compare to this slice of life? (surreal, surprising, exhilarating? Where am I?)

Listen – I was not the rah-rah student when I was in HS. Sports were not really that rah-rah – or so it seemed in the early 80’s. I was not a cheerleader, a pom, a flag..I was a sort of athlete – sort of a party girl – but that’s another story…it’s that journey that’s transformed me I guess – there is just something about traveling the road of youth sports – from soccer bunch ball to tee ball to suddenly finding yourself soaking it all up at the High School level. And as much I hate to admit it..the whole gridiron thing, under the lights, it has a vibe that doesn’t compare to an afternoon at the baseball field or evening at the field house. This is where we start our love affair with arguably the most dangerous and violent sport on the planet…c’mon, have a sip of the kool-aid…it’s Friday – I’m sure there’s lights blazing somewhere near you in a few hours – I dare you! Try to hate it, try, just try, not to love it.

But dear football, remember, we are fickle. You hurt my boys?  You know what they say about that thin line between love and hate, the wrath of an angry woman all that?…

GO CHARGERS!

FIGHT.

WIN…

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Gameday Meltdown

What is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a teen in his formative years?  Let’s set the stage: school has just started (sophomore year), so, in fact, has football season, and he’s beyond excited to be starting JV and also, dressing for Varsity!   It’s game day – first Varsity game.  Hmm, what could go wrong?  What could cause him to be tested in terms of his friends, his teachers, his coach, the team…?  What and how will his grace under pressure be tested today…

Really, let yourself really go back and try to recall the myriad of things that could be “the absolute worst day of your teenage life…” – a breakup? a breakOUT? braces? failing your drivers test? switching schools? farting in class??  Ha, please. These pale in comparison to the pressure cooker that was our house on Thursday morning.

Wake, spend extra time choosing shorts, socks, and shoes (that’s another story…what’s with the boys and the shoes all of a sudden.)  Amble downstairs where, of course a balanced breakfast of protein, carbs, fats and OJ.  Pay no attention to clock (in our house time waits for all men)  Well, time to head out – let me just go grab my game day jersey.. (ahh, I’m a Varsity football player…)  Umm Houston, we have a problem…..WHERE…. IS…MY… VARSITY. JERSEY……???!!!???

Initially, the parents reverted to an oft-played out scene in our (and yours I’m sure) household – “well, hmm, that would be your responsibility/where did you leave it last?/well no surprise your room is a pig sty/if I’ve told you once to keep track of your stuff I’ve told you…..”  He is not hearing us, his eyes are wild, his face is flushed, “it’s gone, it’s gone, Oh, My, God – no, it’s not here….”  Here we go again – my kids know my saying in these situations “It will turn up, everything always does.” When he turns on me – I NEED IT NOW!!!  AND IT’S GONE!!!  I am about to react in my usual, disciplined way: scream even louder back at him. But wait – I pulled my husband aside – this is big – think about it: he is 15, the potential for disenfranchisement (whole team is wearing jersey at school) the humility (my first V-squad game and I won’t have a jersey..) the confrontation with authority (telling coach…)

To say our son was unhinged was putting it lightly. You could literally see him running each awful scenario in his mind…sitting in class w/out his jersey, not being associated with his “tribe,” his coach’s perception of him changing from competent to irresponsible, the potential mocking from Juniors and Seniors..his friends who know he’s the next big thing maybe seeing him NOT in the varsity jersey.”I am screwed” (yeah, you kind of are.) “You are NOT, calm down and don’t use crude language!” (bringing back all my own anxieties from sophomore year at an all girls catholic school…so glad I’m not you right now..)”You can not lose your mind this way when something bad happens pull yourself together!” (this is bad, not good, bad.)

Stay calm, I thought, as we got into the car before another potential travesty could occur (being late for first period!  I have a very conscientious kid…)  “Let’s just do the thing – think…last time you took it off”…He was reengaged…”At the scrimmage, I put it in a string bag”…(oh, we only have 189 of those and they are spread throughout the house and garage but) “Go on…”  “I got my pants out of it this week…it’s in the garage! It has to be, or somewhere in the house (great)…” He calls dad – a massive house hunt ensues, his younger brother is wrestled out of bed.  Younger brother: “oh, it’s in my room – someone put it in my laundry….why didn’t somebody just get me up” (this one is of a different spirit than his brother…)  Dad calls son as we pull into the school parking lot with the good news and his assurance he will get the jersey to him before second period. (the proud dad of a sophomore on varsity is perfectly willing to move his schedule to avoid son’s humiliation…living vicariously, maybe.)

Blood pressure slows, heart beat returns to normal, 15-yr old experiences post “flight/fight” body response.  I take full advantage of that — teaching moment right? “Wow, you handled that GREAT!  Lot’s of character there…I hope you learned from this…you need to keep track of your stuff….next time you….” Do you think he heard me over the ringing in his 15-yr old head?  Hopefully next crisis involves a runaway zit. That, is manageable.

This is not a jersey. It’s so, so much more…

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New Ranting Mom

So – the 8th grade team divides field responsibilities for each game – you know, chains, down markers, play count…  It so happens that the team mom this year is volunteering her time even though her son is not playing due to a battle with a recurrence of Leukemia – no small challenge right? So, a “new mom” from the old rival “Ms” sends the team mom an email saying, “hi, can you remove me from this list? I have a son playing on a (state champion) high school team and I also can’t be bothered trying to find a parent to switch duties with”  So…as you get to know me, you’ll know that this type of crap does not sit well with me. I emailed this mom and suggested she find her own substitute, and not ask Team Mom to do it – I might have suggested she was presumptuous and lazy…but that’s it.  Thought you would enjoy her reply:

 

Dear Team Mom,

I am going to ask that you and the coach handle this issue.  This woman whomever she is has absolutely no right to send an email to me in the manner that she did.  I have no issue assisting when I can (but I am much busier than everyone else and this is beneath me) however I really don’t want to… my oldest son plays football for the high school (and so I can’t be bothered with his little brother’s games )and there are a few games where there is conflict and as you know my boyfriend (who coached the team that imploded and is as crazy as me) has already been banned from all youth football games. I really don’t feel as though I have to explain myself to this woman (that would be me)…Never met his woman however she is sending me extremely inappropriate and offensive emails.   I am asking that she be warned as I will file a complaint is she harassing me again. 

 

Can you say:

1. missed the point (reschedule yourself)

2. Self-important

3. Kind of mean to boy #2 eh?

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Word of the day–Antic

Ironic or coincidental that ANTIC is the word of the day? Because TFTB thrives on adult antics on the field – the baseball field, the football field, the soccer field and well…the basketball court… sit back and be sickened and entertained this season…because folks..it’s officially football season – where the most outrageous antics are born and thrive…

Geared up for Gridiron!

Okay – I am renewing my commitment to THIS BLOG! There is so much content out there…I have been letting down my loyal followers – not to mention the outrageous antics of parents is already beginning with a new and improved 8th Grade segregated team…born of our greatest 7th grade rivals! Stay tuned my followers, you won’t be disappointed…

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